Everything I Do
by Strawberry Bunny
Summary: *song fic* Written for Lauren, me #1 Newsie freak sistah!
1. Unrequited Love

Disclaimer: I don't own the newsies. . .but you knew that already, didn't you? I can't really say that I own Lauren because she is a real person, implying that she belongs only to herself (even though she wishes she belonged to Jack). LOL. Well Lauren, this is the closest I could get you to Cowboy, so enjoy! And oh yeah. . .I don't own the song "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)." You may as well know that Bryan Adams and whoever the heck wrote it owns it. Not me. I'm just borrowing it for a song fic.  
  
A.N.: This is my first Newsies fanfic just to let you know.  
  
*~Look into my eyes  
  
You will see what you mean to me~*  
  
To this day, I still don't know how or why it happened. . .but it did. All of these changes. . .all of this pain. . .all because of him. All because of Jack Kelly. All because he had to walk into my life. Jack Kelly. The Cowboy, the one who escaped The Refuge by hitching a ride on Teddy Roosevelt's carriage, the renowned strike leader who occasionally took in his meals with the Jacobs family.  
  
The Jacobs family. . .in other words, the closest I've ever had to a real family.  
  
No, it would be wrong to say that. These people I live with: Uncle Mayer and Auntie Esther, my cousins David, Les, and Sarah - they are my family, considering that my mother passed away soon after she gave birth to me and my father died in a coalmine explosion last year.  
  
*~Search your heart  
  
Search your soul~*  
  
I suppose my life is better now than it had been. It's certainly far from perfect, but I should be happy, right? How I wish it could be as simple as that. I truly wish that life weren't so complicated so I could figure out whether to listen to my head or to my heart. Maybe then I could be truly happy. Honestly, I've spent so many nights lying in bed staring up at the ceiling thinking about my life and where I've been and where I'm headed. I have lost count of all the times I've risen out of bed to stare out the window, hoping to find a bright star to wish on, while grumbling about the buildings that obscure my view.  
  
However, I suppose wishing will do me no good. What's the point anyway? No matter how many times I've snuck up onto the roof in the middle of the night to find a star to wish on, nothing ever happens. Wishes never come true, prayers are never answered, and nothing ever changes. Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong whenever I fall to my knees while talking to a random star in the sky.  
  
My father was the one who once taught me to do that, to wish upon a shining star. I remember the exact words he said to me when I was seven years old. "Lauren, when all hope seems to vanish right before your eyes, and the dark is too frightful, just look toward the night sky. It is there that you will always find an ever-shining guiding light to lead you in the right direction." I did not quite understand my father's words but I assumed that he was right. That filled my heart with a warm comfort.  
  
*~And when you find me there you'll search no more~*  
  
Looking back on those lost years, now it seems like my father's words are completely stupid and silly. I mean, honesty. . .what's the use in wishing? My father's gone and my life has already changed so much that I can barely keep up. I can't afford to be Daddy's little girl anymore; I just can't - not with all these unbearable changes in my life. I simply can't stop moving on with my life just to sit down and wonder what might have been or should have been.  
  
If there's one thing I've learned from being alive for sixteen years, it's that things don't always work out the way they did in the fairytales my father used to tell me. Life really would be so much easier if only I could live my life like the princess in my father's story - the one who wished upon a star on a cold and lonely night and finally found happiness. If I remember correctly, the princess found happiness after her true love appeared to her just because she wished upon the star and asked him to appear.  
  
I suppose there was one time when I made a wish that actually came true. I might have been daydreaming at the time. . .dreaming about being Daddy's princess, locked in a dungeon with stone walls and only a small window that allowed me to see the night sky. I was a princess locked in a dungeon and I wished on the brightest star, praying for a prince to come and rescue me.  
  
And miracle of miracles, he came.  
  
*~Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for~*  
  
That was my daydream. In real life, I was sitting on the fire escape right outside the bedroom I had to share with Sarah, staring off into space and hoping that someone out there could hear my silent pleas.  
  
And then he came.  
  
He was everything I had ever imagined my prince to be: soft brown hair, rangy, with an impish grin flashing on and off his face. He was a striking young man with a heart of a child deep inside the intense and determined glint in his eyes. He was my prince on a galloping stallion. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. His name was Jack Kelly.  
  
*~You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for~*  
  
It wasn't like I fell madly in love with the first time I saw him. No, realizing that I loved him took some time, but nevertheless, when I first saw him, I knew there was something so special, so wonderful about him. Maybe it was the playfulness in his voice whenever he talked to Davey about "carryin' da banner." Maybe it was the way his voice rose and fell like a lullaby whenever the two of us would have a brief conversation alone. Or maybe it was the warm expression that he wore on his face so often. . .  
  
. . .all because of Sarah.  
  
*~You know it's true  
  
Everything I do  
  
I do it for you~*  
  
Deep inside, I know I can't make him love me. Of course, I never listen to that strange part of me. Although I might as well just be talking to a speck of light in the sky again, I always go ahead and try to subtly let him know how I feel. It never works. No matter what I do to try and get him to look at me that special way, nothing ever happens. He still has eyes for Sarah that never seem to stray. Meanwhile, I'm still standing in her shadow, completely invisible to Jack's eyes.  
  
*~Look into my heart  
  
You will find  
  
There's nothin' there to hide  
  
Take me as I am  
  
Take my life~*  
  
Honestly, I don't blame Jack for being in love with Sarah. With her light brown hair and pleasant smile, Sarah is the prettiest girl in Manhattan. There is certainly no reason why she wouldn't be happy with Jack always by her side and Jack seems perfectly content with her.  
  
Little Star, I wish he could feel about me that way.  
  
*~I would give it all  
  
I would sacrifice  
  
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for~*  
  
Little Star, please somehow let him know what he means to me. Let him know that I would give anything for him to be happy. Tell him that I would sacrifice my own happiness just for him.  
  
Actually, come to think of it, I've already done that.  
  
*~I can't help it  
  
There's nothin' I want more~*  
  
Whenever I see Jack and Sarah together, holding hands and nestling the way two people shouldn't be allowed to do in public, it always seems like love came so naturally for them. It always seems like this whole concept of love is so simple.  
  
I suppose my love for Jack came quite naturally too. And yet, loving him is so hard, especially since he's given his heart to someone else: my cousin. My beautiful, yet boneheaded cousin. MY COUSIN of all people!  
  
*~You know it's true  
  
Everything I do  
  
I do it for you~*  
  
The question isn't whether or not I can continue to love Jack any longer. No. . .I swear on my mother and father's graves that I will love Jack forever, no matter how invisible I am to him. It's just that I wish. . .no. I mustn't wish anymore. Wishing is useless.  
  
Little Star, I am sorry but I can no longer speak to you if I intend to keep my sanity.  
  
*~There's no love like your love  
  
And no other could give more love  
  
There's nowhere unless you're there  
  
All the time  
  
All the way~*  
  
Jack Kelly. If someone asked me to describe what I think - no - what I feel for him, I would say "Oh yes, he's quite a nice lad. And such spirit the boy has! Goodness!" Inside, my heart would be screaming how much I want Jack to look at me, just look at me, even if just for a moment. My heart would scream, cry out, and rant about how tempted I am to take Auntie Esther's sewing shears and cut off all of Sarah's perfect hair. Would Jack think she has such a pretty face then? Probably so. There is nothing I could do to make him stop loving her. And of course, during this entire hullabaloo, I'd still be wearing the same mask I've always worn.  
  
*~Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for~*  
  
Now I've realized that my Little Star has played a joke on me. I asked for a prince on a galloping stallion to come and rescue me and take me away to his castle. And what did I end up with? I'll tell you what: I got the most amazing Cowboy with a stack of papes on one shoulder and my cousin's pretty head resting on the other.  
  
*~I can't help it  
  
There's nothin' I want more~*  
  
Little Star, don't you understand? I want to believe that you can guide me in the right direction! I want to believe in my father's fairytales! I want to believe that behind my tangled rat's nest blonde hair lives a princess, a beautiful princess just waiting for my horrid witch of a cousin to go away.  
  
*~I would fight for you  
  
I'd lie for you  
  
Walk the wire for you  
  
Yeah, I'd die for you~*  
  
I want to believe you, Little Star. I want to know that one day, you can lead me to happiness, to my true love. . .  
  
*~You know it's true  
  
Everything I do  
  
I do it for you~*  
  
. . .But it's just so hard to find something to believe in if I have to keep wearing the same old mask that I've always worn.  
  
A.N.: Sorry Lauren! I didn't mean for your story to be so sad. I just started writing, and this is how it turned out. Don't worry though, there are more chapters coming soon! 


	2. Invisible

"Oh Mother, would you just look at this dress? Would you just look?!"  
  
Honestly, I don't understand her at all. I never understood her when we were younger, I don't understand her now, and I don't suppose I ever will! Ever since I moved in with the Jacobs family, all I've ever heard out of Sarah's mouth are pointless complaints and whining.  
  
"I can't wear this dress to Irving Hall! It's much too old-fashioned and ugly!"  
  
I looked at my cousin with a perplexed expression on my face. What was her problem?! I would have given anything to have what she had. I didn't see any valid reason for her to complain. Jack loved her and she had everything I thought she could possibly need. . .and she was complaining?  
  
"There's a stain on the bodice! What do you suppose Jack would think if he saw me wearing this? Good Lord, what would the other boys think?!"  
  
I continued to stare at Sarah incredulously as I silently asked her, Why do you even care? JACK LOVES YOU! Don't you get it? He loves you enough to not care whether or not you dress like some Uptown girl. Goodness, Sarah why do you even care what the other boys think of you? Do they actually matter?  
  
"Sarah, the stain is barely noticeable," Auntie Esther sighed. "If you wear a shawl, the stain will practically disappear."  
  
"But the fabric is such an ugly color!" Sarah whined.  
  
SARAH JUST SHUT UP! I silently screamed at her. If you absolutely refuse to let Jack see you in that dress, why don't you just hand it over to me and I'll go with him? How's that for an idea, Sarah?! Do you think you can handle that? Would it be alright if he left you alone for one night to give me a chance?!  
  
"Well. . .Sarah, just try it on! I can assure you it will look fine," Auntie Esther pleaded once again.  
  
"Mother. . .!" Sarah whined. Auntie Esther shot her a cross look, causing her to give up her end of the argument. Grumbling to herself, Sarah stomped off to our room to try the dress on.  
  
Once she had left, Auntie Esther focused her attention to me and sighed. "Lauren, you don't suppose Sarah is overreacting a bit, do you? I mean, for the past ten minutes she's been doing nothing but complaining and whining."  
  
I returned my aunt's exasperated look and silently thought to myself, For the past ten minutes, you say? It's more like for the past TEN YEARS! "I do believe that she has nothing to worry about," I said sympathetically. "I can't imagine why she would work herself up over a silly dress. . .not that it's as ugly as she says it is, mind you, dear aunt."  
  
"Well, since she is seeing Jack tonight, I suppose it would make sense that she'd want to look her best," Auntie Esther replied.  
  
"What does that matter?" I asked. "Since when did Jack actually care how Sarah's dress looked? It's not like they were planning to eat dinner at an Uptown restaurant. No. . .for them, tonight is merely another evening at one of Medda's shows!" As those words slipped out of my mouth, I began to ask myself if I even knew what I was saying. ". . .For them, tonight is merely another evening at one of Medda's shows!" Or perhaps tonight could be one of the most romantic evenings of their lives. Maybe tonight is the night that something life-altering will happen. Maybe tonight will shatter my own life even more. Who knows? Maybe tonight Jack will ask her to run off to Santa Fe with him so they could get married.  
  
I was overreacting; I knew I was. However, the fact that I knew I was overreacting (probably even worse than Sarah was) did not stop me from filling my head with more absurd thoughts. Maybe Jack doesn't even know I exist. Absurd. All of this, so absurd! Of course he knew that I existed. I'm his girlfriend's cousin. Yes, that's it. . .his GIRLFRIEND'S COUSIN. I exist. He knows my name. He knows who I am. . .but he doesn't know me. He never will, ever. If only. . .  
  
"See Mother?! See how hideous this dress is?" Sarah groaned as she walked towards us again.  
  
I couldn't help myself. I glared at my cousin and rolled my eyes, not caring that she had seen me do it. Sarah's jaw dropped open in shock as she took a tiny step back. "What's the matter with you?!" she asked irritably.  
  
"Nothing," I replied coolly. "Nothing at all. You look pretty." For a moment, nobody said anything. I glanced over at Auntie Esther and noticed that she was fidgeting uneasily in her seat. She obviously had no idea what to do with two adverse cousins. For what seemed like an eternity, Sarah gave me an icy glare, one that I returned with an unaffected and reserved air. I honestly believe that if there had not been a knock on the door that very instant, one of would have reached for Auntie Esther's sewing shears and killed the other.  
  
"Oh. . .someone is at the door," Auntie Esther stated unnecessarily as she quickly rose from her seat. "Sarah, I am certain that it is Jack."  
  
It was all I could do to stifle my giggles as Sarah's scowl fell from her face, only to be replaced by a look of pure embarrassment. She dashed into our room like a madwoman, emerging only a moment later with a shawl draped over her shoulders, just as Auntie Esther opened the door, letting Jack in. I just couldn't help myself. I flashed Sarah a scornful grin, acknowledging the simple fact that her creamy yellow dress with the purple collar and hem did not look very attractive with the mint green shawl she had picked out.  
  
Unfortunately, my moment of glory was short-lived. It ended right when Jack opened his mouth and said, "Ya look beautiful." Then it was my turn to wipe the contemptuous expression off my face. Sarah adjusted her shawl and gave me one final smirk for the evening, as if she had won some kind of contest. This of course, seemed incredibly stupid. Tell me, dear cousin Sarah, because I am quite curious: what exactly did you win? Did you think that I was trying to compete with you for Jack's attention? Is he nothing to you but a prize you have won?  
  
"Don't stay out too late," Uncle Mayer, who had kept quite this whole time, advised.  
  
"We won't Papa," Sarah answered, just before the door shut behind them. With that, I stormed off into Sarah's and my room, and shut the door behind me. Stupid I thought, all of this, so stupid! He didn't even bother to say hello to me. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I simply did not care. 


End file.
